Future Ex-Wives For 2008

December 18, 2008

A lot of lovely ladies caught my eye this year (not to imply that lovely ladies didn’t catch my eye in previous years, or anything), and in the spirit of objectification,  I’ve composed a list! And I’m not gonna rank these ladies from ten to one or anything like that, ’cause what always happens is, the internet explodes with people complaining about who’s in the number one spot. I wanna avoid that. Furthermore, I’d like to think my list is a little more eclectic. I like women who look good in fancy undies as much as the next guy, but I like variety when it comes to the women who tickle my love spots. But damn, enough talking already!

Olga Kurylenko – I figured I’d get an easy one out of the way, ’cause I know plenty of guys would want to be all up in her like Masengil if they had half a chance. I just love her smile. There’s a lot of warmth and charm there. But she can be a vampy vixen as well, and shoot a gaze at you colder than winter in Moscow. She was easily the best thing about the movie Hitman(yeah, it’s ’cause she got nekkid, sue me!), and was a surprisingly well-develeped character in the latest Bond film, Quantum of Solace.

Janelle Monae –
What’s not to love about this woman? Great singer, great performer, just a total avant-guard character if ever you saw one. I’m still cautiously optimistic about her future in the mainstream, being signed to Bad Boy. They don’t really have the best of track records when it comes to sustaining an artist’s career. But I’ll support her one way or another, ’cause I love a woman who can go against the grain like she does.

Christina Hendricks –
I’m baffled as to why I don’t make more of an effort to watch Mad Men! I swear, this woman was frozen in a lab somwhere for the last fifty years or something, ’cause we’ve been led to believe that they didn’t make women like this anymore! Man, I’d swerve off a mountain road trying to drive around those curves!

Miss Jack Davey –
To all my beautiful black ladies, if you can rock a mohawk, ROCK A MOHAWK!!!! I swear, between her whole look and her music, I’m hooked like a crack addict! Shit, I need a video for this one:

Rutina Wesley –
I suppose I’m basing most of this on her role from True Blood, but dammit if Tara isn’t a pistol! Strong-willed, protective, and refuses to take crap from anyone. But even with all that, she has some vulnerability. She can’t always put up a front. And with her body, she needs to be in an action movie, or something. I like a little bit of muscle on a lady  every now and then! I don’t want her to be able to bench press me or nothing, but if ever I get out of line, she’ll smack me around if necessary.

Yukimi Nagano –
You all know how I feel about this woman! She’s just too sassy for her own good!

Rihanna –
It’s the hair. Seriously. With all the other black female pop/r&b singers out there with long flowing weaves, the best thing Rihanna could do was rock that anime pixie cut of hers. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s enough to say to the masses, “I ain’t like the rest of these heffers, so y’all better pay attention to me!” She also realized being a crossover dancehall artist wasn’t gonna work for her. Where that’s concerned, you have to go hard or go home. So adopting the “J.Lo Philosophy” definitely worked to her advantage. She’s whatever pop music needs her to be, whether it be straightforward pop, r&b, dance/electronica, etc.

Tina Turner –
Performed with Beyonce, won a Diva-beef with Aretha Franklin, and is still touring her butt off . . . .all at 69 years of age!! MAAAAAAN!!! The fam actually saw her in concert last month, and apparently she was doin’ some daredevil shit any other woman her age would have no business doing. But Tina Turner ain’t any other woman. These young heffers in the game ain’t got nothin’ on her. (Not that I don’t love my young heffers! Y’all know who you are!)


One comment

  1. It’s spelled Massengill. And Tina Turner? Eeww.

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