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Eminem Better Watch Himself!!!

January 23, 2009

Now, when Joaquim Phoenix declared he’d be quitting acting to focus on “music”, I didn’t really think much of it. I’m not one of those people that says no actor should pursue music. There are the occasional exceptions. For a guy who started out as a stand-up comedian, Jamie Foxx surprised a lot of people when they discovered he was also a talented singer and songwriter. And I have to admit “Blame It On The Alcohol”, even in all its auto-tuned glory, is a pretty damn tight!

At worse, I figured Phoenix would just break us off with some mellow uber-folk rock, comparable to Scarlett Johansson’s narcoleptic Tom Waits cover album.  But apparently, the joke is on me, as he eventually revealed he’d be rapping. Still, I figured, maybe he’s been rockin’ freestyle cyphers overseas or something. Maybe he’s been MF DOOM’s stand-in at concerts! I just don’t know. But having finally exposed myself to Phoenix’s profound wordsmithing skills (which can be savored in the video below), I find myself flabbergasted. To quote Ghostbuster’s Egon Spengler, “I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.” All I can think of is the frying egg at the end of the classic “This is your brain on drugs” PSA, and how it must belong to Joaquim Phoenix, and now me! I mean, if I had to describe his “style” of rapping, I’d say it falls somewhere between Rodney Dangerfield rapping in the 80s, and the incomprehensible gibberish of  Charlie Brown’s teacher!

 It certainly doesn’t help that his most recent public appearances show him looking like he’s on a quest for fire! I swear, that beard must be storing a hefty supply of recreational pharmaceuticals. A word to the wise Joaquim, there can only be one Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Even in death, no one should be allowed to take up that mantle!

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One comment

  1. life is short! joaquim is going for it! no regrets!!! lmao



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