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Nine Things I’ve Learned From This Year’s Oscars

March 8, 2010

Last night, Oscar history was made. . . . ’cause Fischer Stevens won an Oscar, dammit!!! I loved that man in Short Circuit and Hackers, so it’s great to see him finally get his due! What was that documentary about? Dolphins? DOLPHINS?!?! I don’t give a damn about dolphins!!! Dammit man, the Oscars suck!! But seriously, it was a pretty big deal for Kathryn Bigelow, who became the first woman ever to win an Oscar for Best Director. The Hurt Locker also won Best Picture, so that’s two figurative middle fingers pointed in James Cameron’s direction! At least as far as most people are concerned, ’cause I swear that for as many people were happy for The Hurt Locker winning, I think there were more people who didn’t give a rat’s ass who won so long as Avatar didn’t. And furthermore would have claimed “oh, the Oscars are meaningless anyway”, if it had. And there’s a big difference between not liking the winner, and claiming you don’t care about the Oscars anyway. If you’re mad, you’re mad. Cool. But don’t act like you’re not gonna be back in front of the TV watching it again, next year! Go take a bath, you filthy liars!!! As for me, I always find something enjoyable about the Oscars, and rarely am I that disappointed by the folks that win. Usually because most of the wins are foregone conclusions, anyway! But in any event, this year’s Oscars has taught me quite a bit.

9. I’m gonna have to kill Shia Labeouf, so I can get with Carrie Mulligan! Her fine, British Tinkerbell lookin’ behind!
8. When you really sit down and think about it, the nerdiest members of the Brat Pack have had the most stable careers. Andrew McCarthy couldn’t be at the John Hughes tribute, ’cause he’s taping another guest appearance on a police procedural as a douchebag murderer.
7. According to the Academy, Twilight should be honored along with such horror classics as The Excorcist, The Birds, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Rosemary’s Baby, and the original Dracula.
6. And you can’t trust Taylor Lautner to talk pretty! Him only popular when it time to make Pale Man jealous!
5. The Oscars were so desperate to have a reason for Randy Newman to NOT perform, that the gave the time for one of the most out of place interpretive dance routines EVER!!!
4. If Ben Stiller didn’t convince you that advanced CGI and motion-capture technology was the best way to do Avatar, I don’t know what else would!
3. If you die on the same day as Michael Jackson, the Academy will forget that you died.
2. Kanye West has mastered astral projection, ’cause that’s the only way to explain that Mrs. Garrett lookin’ chick interrupting that poor director of Music For Prudence.
1. Meryl Streep’s next movie is gonna be the powerful true story of a white lady saving a black boy from poverty!

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2 comments

  1. LOL @ number 3. It is sad that her death was overshadowed when it happened, and even at the academy. But I don’t remember her ever doing a film that hit theatres. Did she?


  2. And I happened to like the interpretative dance segment. It me a minute to get, but I liked it.



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