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I Bet The Psychic Vampire Baby Birth Will be Accompanied By A Musical Number

April 28, 2010


COTDAMN! This baby’s kickin’ like a mule!

I’m plagued by “what ifs”. “What if I had ordered the chicken instead of the pork at lunch today?” “What if I got glasses to see better when I drive?” “What if God was one of us”? You know, important stuff! But rarely did I ever wonder, “What if Bill Condon directed a Twilight movie?” And I’m the guy who thinks it would be pure meta-genius if Kathryn Bigelow directed a Fast and the Furious sequel (C’mon, that first film is SOOOO Point Break, Keanu Reeves filed a lawsuit against Paul Walker for “performance infringement”!)! But word is, the director behind Dream Girls, who also wrote Chicago, will indeed by directing Breaking Dawn, based on the last book in the Twilight series.


I know, right?!

Now, while I shouldn’t give a rat’s scrotum skin about Twilight,the phenomenon it’s became does intrigue me. Even I can look back at Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and admit that the vampire-human romance elements in the show were, at times, handled in a rather ham-fisted manner. But dammit if Twilight didn’t take that “forbidden love” ball and run with it headlong into a steel goal post! At least Angel had justification for being somewhat of a douche when he was introduced. Edward Cullen is just the most socially awkward sentient life form on the planet for no discernible reason! And Bella is a flea’s hop away from being a heinous bitch!

So why do I care at all? Having heard about events in the fourth book, and I’m just dying to know how the studio and filmmakers approach will the subject matter. For a series that’s taken a woefully tame approach to vampires up to this point, Breaking Dawn is apparently really graphic in parts. One part, in particular, details the birth of Bella and Edward’s baby; when it’s feared that the human Bella won’t survive birthing Edward’s bloodsucking spawn naturally, he does what any loving father-to-be would do, performs an impromptu C-section by eating away at Bella’s uterus! needless to say, this is the type of crispy Panko-breaded fuckery I’d wanna see in IMAX 3D!!! But how much of it will make it to the screen. Does Condon know what he’s in for, or is he out of his depth? If he’s all for it, is the studio? Shouldn’t they have just gotten David Cronenberg if it’s gonna be that type of party?

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