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But They Already Remade Commando . . . It Was Called Taken!

April 29, 2010


Remake my movie? No Chance . . . . of it being good!

Unlike most people, I don’t get consumed with rabid, baby-eating rage when I hear about a popular film (even the ones from five to ten minutes ago) being remade. If anything, it’s a good catalyst for bringing awareness of those original films to a new generation of filmgoers, and we more than likely get a shiny and new DVD/Blu-Ray release to coincide with the remake. Depending on the circumstances, it’s a pretty win-win situation, if some people stopped whining about the sexual assault of their childhood to really think about it. In fact, one of the only remakes that really stuck in my craw was the one for The Hitcher. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I was watching a really bad romantic comedy starring Jennifer Lopez (who am I kidding, they’re ALL bad!). And dammit if the sight of Sophia Bush, in all her pink tank-topped, denim mini skirted, cowgirl-booted glory, jumping slow-motion out the back of a flaming police van whilst wielding a shotgun bigger than her, didn’t elevate the offensiveness of the film from simple aggravated sexual assault, to full-on forcibly sodomy! For those who haven’t quite picked up on it yet . . . . I fuckin’ hate this movie!

And that’s pretty much where I stand more often than not; take the sacred, untouchable classics, and toss them into the “Remake-O-Matic” for all I care! But there are certain cult gems that I feel you really shouldn’t be fuckin’ with! And dammit if Commando isn’t one of ’em! Now, I’m sure some of you are reading this, and the following expression is on your face:

But trust me when I say that I am fully aware of how blissfully stupid this film is. Even by 80s standards, this movie went so far beyond full-retard that it double-backed its way to achieving Einstein-level genius! The hook is simple; former special forces soldier John Matrix (one of both the coolest and silliest character names ever for an action hero . . . until Crank’s “Chev Chelios”) has eleven hours to save his kidnapped daughter from a nondescript Latino druglord trying to stage a political coup, and a portly Freddie Mercury impersonator that manages to be gayer than Freddie Mercury could have ever hoped to be! With the aid of a plucky flight attendant, Matrix goes on a rampage of ludicrous and improbable action, including taking out an entire battalion without suffering more than a bruised rib. There’s a scene of him running away from two dozen men shooting DIRECTLY AT HIM for Christ sake!! At this point it’s abundantly clear that filmmakers agreed that after The Terminator, that Ahnuld should be indestructible in every action movie he does, no matter how human his character is supposed to be!

But back to the Freddie Mercury impersonator, this film also scores points for being ridiculously homoerotic! Want proof? Observe!

(0:56 sec) – Between Ahnuld’s dialogue and Bennett’s expression when challenged with such gloriously phallic weaponary, this is no more a fight than it is a challenge to see who gets to be the top!

(3:56 min) – DEATH BY PENIS METAPHOR!!!!

All this is to say that the magic of Commando, I feel anyway, is just too unique to try and recapture. To say nothing of the intent of writer/director (and former Navy soldier) David Ayer, to make the film more grounded and realistic. Huh?!? That’s like remaking a David Lynch film so everything about it makes sense!

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