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Five Nitpicks That In No Way Affect My Enjoyment Of Iron Man 2

May 10, 2010


Warning: Some of these might be considered SPOILERS, so if you haven’t seen Iron Man 2 yet . . . what in crispy Panko-breaded hell is wrong with you?!?!? Seriously, go out and see that shit, you ninnies!!! The movie has made Scrooge McDuck paper in like three days!!

So I went to see Iron Man 2 this past Saturday, and while I fully intend to bang out an in-depth and thorough review of the film, I wanted to take a moment to go over a few little issues I had. I will say though, that the majority of the film is what the kids might consider, “Bananas!”, or “Off the reservation”, so to speak. The following complaints are actually quite meaningless, especially when measured against any scene featuring Scarlett Johansson.

1) **Activating “Angry Black Man” Mode** Why come when Rhodey (Don Cheadle) has to put on one of Tony’s armors to smack him some “Ack’Right”, the CG version of him in the armor has this straight-up jive-walk!! He ain’t walk like that when he was outta the armor!!! That shit is maddd racist, son! Like them wack-ass autobots from Transformers 2!! Favreau, don’t make me have to boycott yo ass! You always been a good dude, especially since you keep Ralphie from A Christmas Story working!!! **De-activating “Angry Black Man” Mode**

2) The Rolls Royce Phantom must be no better constructed than a cotdamn Delorean if you can ram a dude in the mid-section, at full speed, and pin him to a concrete wall . . . TWICE . . . and the dude doesn’t suffer any life-threatening internal organ damage. Whiplash should have been a wrap at that racetrack after Happy Hogan went hard on him! That He-Man harness he was wearing couldn’t possibly have provided THAT much protection, could it?

3) The level of destruction in the film’s climax would make Michael Bay blush! You can’t tell me no one died during that! I supposed it could be worse. Look at Christopher Nolan’s Batman films. Bats seems to go out of his way to commit property damage on a biblical scale!!
“I need to escape the cops! I’ll just drive on some shingled roofs!”
“I need to stop this microwave emitter! I’ll just destroy a major means of public transportation!”
“I’ve gotta stop the Joker from killing Harvey Dent! I’ll just blow up of a few parked cars that are in my way, in front of some children!”

4) Where’s the homeowners’ association in Tony Stark’s Malibu neighborhood to tell him that he cannot build a particle accelerator in his basement?!?! Especially in light of the countless calls he must get for disturbing the peace, considering his parties always seem to end in utter destruction!

5) As cool as Scarjo and Sam Jackson were in their roles as Black Widow and Nick Fury, respectively, it reminded me of The Spirit, in which they had a similar “subordinate/leader” dynamic between them. If you’ve never seen The Spirit, don’t. I could have gone to the dentist and ordered the “Lil Wayne Special”, and had more fun than watching that godforsaken clump of fecal matter!

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