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Heroes: A Eulogy

May 17, 2010

Hello Everyone,

I stand before you, a once faithful friend and companion to Heroes. I remember when we first met, and we hit it off immediately. We learned a lot from each other, and as time went on, I thought things could only get better . . .but then they really didn’t. He still hung out, but nothing was the same after that first year. Dealing with Heroes meant dealing with a lot of baggage; a multitude of unresolved daddy issues, gross lapses in judgment, bad relationship choices, the whole nine. To say nothing of things I’d always ask them about that they never talked about again, especially in that second year of our friendship. What happened to that delightful Irish chick that got trapped in the worst possible future imaginable? What about Micah’s cousin? These people just seemed to vanish from Heroes’ life, and they just didn’t care.

But we moved on, tried to get back on track, and somehow things only got worse. Heroes still seemed obsessed with visions of possible futures that ultimately didn’t amount to anything. If it wasn’t that, it was friends being on the run, and that dick Sylar just couldn’t decide what he wanted to be anymore. How did Heroes ever put up with that douchebag? When it finally came time to have a chat with him, he had already killed like a dozen or so people, and Heroes gave everyone the bright idea of brainwashing him, and turning him into someone else! If I tried to to them it was a bad idea, but that’s the thing about Heroes. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so persuasive. That’s when I realized we had to go our separate ways. I couldn’t believe my friend was treating me this way, and thought we’d still be cool.

I didn’t think it’d be so easy, moving on. I didn’t miss Heroes in the slightest, but I knew they were missing me. A lot of us gave up on Heroes, didn’t we? There was too much drama and too many promises they couldn’t keep. Week after week, I heard about more friends abandoning Heroes. I didn’t really feel any pity. God don’t like ugly, and Heroes had become, if I may quote a great Austrian thespian, one ugly motherfucker. And while it may be in poor taste, hearing of Heroes’ passing, I couldn’t help but laugh. I knew a lot of folks wanted to do business with Heroes, and were willing to support Heroes for as long as they could to get those friends back, but even they had given up. They knew there was no life left. It’s been a long and slow death for Heroes. But let this be a lesson to all of us. You can’ only dick around your friends for so long before they up and leave your janky ass!

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